How chemistry decides the success of a first date | Life and style | The Guardian
You're correct; online chemistry does not necessarily mean you'll have in-person How to write opening emails on online dating sites. Mandy Fisher, vice president and general manager of onlineradiobg.info, on modern love. Review your matches FREE at onlineradiobg.info Complete our famous personality test, created by Dr. Helen Fisher, and get matched with singles interested in.
The emails became very long and increasingly frequent.
Can Men and Women Have Chemistry Online?
We had things in common. We were about the same age; we had both undergone painful separations recently etc etc. After a few months our emails became You wouldn't say we were cybering, you know?
The emailing began in June. We met on a Friday. There was a pretty instant physical attraction. We had one long, fun night bar-crawling in Williamsburg until 4: We kissed, and it felt like a whole bunch of cliches in a good way. By the Monday we were doing a bit more than kissing and we realised we had a logistical problem on our hands, to put it mildly. The following Saturday I returned to the UK. At this stage neither of us could really see any way we could make a go of it, although we both really wanted to.
We left it kind of up in the air. Then she flew to London that December for Christmas and we knew for sure we had to try.
How chemistry decides the success of a first date
It was just so strong. There followed just over three years of what a good friend of mine referred to as the "Transatlantic Love Commute". We managed to see each other something like one week out of every seven - largely because I could fiddle some very creative application of my company's holiday rules. In March I finally managed to get a contract out here. It was initially scheduled to last until June So yes, it can work.
We'd only met face-to-face one time before he moved in with me, and that was 5 months after we started chatting online, and it was another year before I saw him again -- the day he moved in. He moved in with me from Arizona to Chicago in We got married in I love him and he loves me.
I would have never met him without the internet. I often think that since our "courtship" was all communication email, eventually phone was added in it helped a lot. Mine was one of the misses. About a year ago I hit things off with a friend of a friend who had emailed me out of the blue. In email we flirted fantastically, and had great conversations. There was some chemistry there, but our interaction was so much more stilted and awkward than it had been in writing.
We've managed to transition to an ok friendship, I think, but even though there's a possibility that I could be moving to his city in a couple of months for a job, there's absolutely no desire on my part to restart anything of a romantic nature. It's turned out swimmingly. I have one of each. I was sure I was in love with him. But in person, there was just no chemistry, and we knew it right away.
I felt terrible about that and still do, I feel like I failed him, or misled him, he's a wonderful guy and didn't deserve that. I somehow thought that falling in love without meeting in person meant that you were really in love with the essence of the person, without the baggage of the preconceived notions you get from first meeting people in person.
Now I think there is an essential chemical component to relationships, and you can only experience it in person because believe me, there was loads of chemistry before we met in person. So I was pretty jaded when I started to think that this guy I'd been chatting to and flirting with a bit by email and phone was getting interested, and when he decided to come for a visit, I was panicking that it would be a repeat of the first time which was pretty heartbreaking. So I had a prepared speech all ready to go about how I just wanted to be friends and I hoped he'd understand that so we could enjoy his visit with as little awkwardness as possible.
Instead, it was love at first sight for me, I knew we'd end up married I wasn't even remotely interested in marriage before I met him, I loved being singleand after a couple of years of long distance relationship, we did get married, and I moved to be with him. Over three years now and happier now even than we were when we were still doing the long distance thing and everything was new.
The first one, emailed for ages, lengthy phone calls nightly, similar interests, never ran out of things to talk about. I sent him my pic but never saw his. I never spoke to him again. I feel bad about this, because he was still keen on me, and I was a bit of a bitch about it. The second one I have lived with for three years and am marrying in February. I love him more every day.
You win some, you lose some. That's not to say it can't work, but to go in blind will gear you more towards a "miss". Online chatting and email can create a false sense of intimacy.
People become "head over heels" because of this, feeling a bond stronger than should exist at that time, and based only on a partial, idealized picture. Long-distance relationships are also problematic, as you don't have the day-to-day. As such, on the rare occasions you see each other, it's always a honeymoon period. Maintaining an in-person relationship on a day-to-day basis is not the same as late-night phone calls and giddy emails.
Again, idealization comes into play. There are other flags, but those are the two biggies. Yes, I had a relationship involving both of those, and no, it didn't go well, but it ate up a lot of time and energy. I've seen others in similar situations, few of which have ended happily. But as with all relationships, it depends on the people involved.
Me, I try to minimize falling into similar traps, so when I chat with a new person or send email, I try to keep it as brief as possible, and only with people reasonably close geographically. I'd rather do the "getting to know you" stuff in person, enjoy the body language and eye contact and smiles, and avoid getting a slanted sense of bonding, which can easily put me in a position of obligation, and a greater chance for people getting hurt.
But then, maybe I'm just bitter. We emailed 3 or 4 times daily, talked for hours, etc.
When we met a couple of weeks later, we had absolutely zero chemisty. One of the dullest dates of my life. We emailed a handful of times after that, but it was clear that there really wasn't much there.
We met for a drink after a couple of weeks of amusing email pleasantries One drink turned into dinner, which turned into more drinks, which turned into coffee and apple pie at 3 in the morning. We've been together about 6 months, and are still pretty darn crazy about each other so far. This pretty accurately describes where I met my wife - on an Internet gaming message board filled with humorous assholes and a surprisingly high number of intelligent developers.
It was also in ' I did not at all believe she was a girl at first, based on the way she talked - she exhibited none of the usual bullshit female hangups. Then there came the big all-channel three-day meetup with people bussing in from Canada and flying in from both coasts. I met her, I liked her, I flirted with her in front of her boyfriend.
Her breakup and six months later, we were chatting about four hours every night, and since we already knew what the other looked like, there was no concern about attraction, etc. I swiped roughly a billion free hotel points from my dad who lives on the road and traded them in for a crazy-huge 4-room suite in a Holiday Inn believe it or not some Holiday Inns do have them. We stayed there for three days together - it went well.
When It Comes to Online Dating, Old Fashioned Chemistry Goes a Long Way
Well enough that two months later I quit my shit job, packed two carry-on bags, and flew from New York to Seattle to move in with her. That was five years ago. We've been married for about 18 months now, and it's been great. Plus I bet he's terrible in bed and has VD.
Not to mention that he would've become obsessed with you and you'd have had to reject him publicly, harshly and repeatedly for years. Another bullet dodged, my friend!
- Can Men and Women Have Chemistry Online?
- When You’re Trying To Find The Chemistry Through Online Dating
Now get back out there and kiss some frogs! I guess it really is a crap shoot - some go well and some don't. You guys have convinced me that I had a lucky escape.
We couldn't have met for many months and I could have spent all that time in intense email exchanges only to find we don't click face to face at all.
Really messed with my head - tried to set me against my family, get me to leave school and move to a place where I had no support network, borrowed money, etc. You can cover a lot of ground through online exchanges and when you meet face-to-face, you end up with the same mundane conversation options that you would have if you had been dating for years.
When You’re Trying To Find The Chemistry Through Online Dating | Thought Catalog
Except it is a first date and thus comfortable silence is out. Also out is the typical frivolous getting to know you banter you'd usually exchange on first dates. What does that leave? The same deep and meaningful conversation you had online might be excruciating to have in person with the stranger sitting across from you. That leaves uncomfortable silence and a whole lot of fizzle. Obviously this isn't the case with everyone and sometimes the lack of chemistry can be chalked up to simple lack of chemistry.
We hit it off right away. We were in love for a year before we met, and when we finally did, it was perfect. Unfortunately, it didn't end well I'm a boring, work-obsessed stereotypical distant absent-minded bachelor, and she's a somewhat wild, liberal bisexual.
I think the internet's interesting because it brings together people who might not necessarily otherwise get to know each other. Just keep in mind that if you wouldn't have hooked up in real life, but did via the internet, you might still not have the connection that's necessary for the relationship.
Interestingly enough, it's about to happen again -- someone that I've known online for 10 years is coming to visit next week from far, far away. I'm pretty sure she and I are gonna hit it off. And really, that's all you can do. Practically the first remark he made when we met at the airport was that I was not as petite as he had hoped I had not lied about my appearance, and in fact had tried to disabuse him about his fantasies, to no avail.
Needless to say, it was a fizzle. I went to visit him because we were so close and it sounded like a fun idea, and I really wasn't expecting to be attracted to him.
Then I got there and the chemistry hit me like a brick. The distance effectively ended the romance after some time, but we're still friends. So, adding to what everyone else says My wife and I met online and have been together for 5 years.
We lived about four hours apart and daily emails led to daily calls which led to weekly visits. We had to pick a state after a few months and hers won.
The first was a fun email and IM romance that, with hindsight, I can see I enjoyed so much because I was bored and lonely and not having much luck with in-person relationships. I moved for him and we made a go of dating for four or five months, I think, but I had most definitely idealized him and was disappointed with the real life version of this guy. He just couldn't live up to what I had made of him.
The second was someone I met on a general interest message board in 98 or We became good e-friends, and regularly corresponded all through the aforementioned relationship. Once I broke up with the first internet guy, the second one came to visit me under the guise of checking out the tech job seen in the town where I had moved, but we both had crushes on each other and while I wouldn't have admitted it under torture at the time, I was totally hoping we'd end up making out.
That was five years ago and now we're married and he totally rocks and I'm totally happy. We'd known each other for the last two years, and I'd liked him the whole time. But I've had a lot of bad relationships, and was just too chicken to say anything.
Turns out, HE liked me too, and we started talking more seriously online. It progressed to the phone, and we had a lot of chemistry. So much so, that we actually talked about "the future" and whatnot. We had been speaking seriously for roughly 4 months when we met - and by that, I mean long phone calls daily, constant text messages and IM conversations.
When I went to pick him up, I think alot of the initial nervousness was gone because I was told the wrong terminal and gate by the airport website. Quite honestly, I thought he looked a bit different than his photos, but it worked in his favor my problem early on had been that he might have been TOO pretty and egotistical about it, if that makes any sense - he looked more lowkey in person, and I was even more smitten. Yes, I said smitten. We spent four days together and aside from being nervous in the beginning, it was exactly the same as it was online.
I have a weird sense of humor - dry wit, sarcasm and all that - and I was scared it wouldn't have gone over well, but it didn't hinder me at all. I wish I had a happier ending, but as of right now, I don't. Without getting TOO into it it's pretty longhe's decided we were moving too fast and asked me to "wait" for him. But it is possible to disrupt the trend. It seems the suggestion of heroics could also fuel a romance.
A study conducted by researchers at Liverpool and Stirling Universities recruited women and 64 men, asking one group to assess images of the opposite sex with digitally added facial scars while another group viewed blemish-free mug shots.
The upshot was that women rated slight scarring in a man's face marginally more attractive when considering a short-term fling — men viewed scarring in women with indifference. The researchers say that scarring may be read by women as a sign of masculinity, courage and strength.
But whether or not you are looking for Indiana Jones, good health is a key quality and once again there may be subtle, chemical cues. In researchers at St Andrews University asked 54 people to digitally tweak the hue of a selection of male and female Caucasian faces to make them look "healthy", finding that a light yellow tint and pink flush is perceived to be indicative of the hale and hearty. Follow-up collaborative studies supported the view that yellow colouring is deemed more attractive across cultures, and suggested that an increase in the intake of carotenoid pigments, such as those found in fruit and veg, may increase this yellow tint, although other influences can't be ruled out.
But, hot or not, your date has only just begun and it's time to make that opening gambit. One such indicator appears to be the use of function words such as personal pronouns, articles and conjunctions. Ireland and her colleagues studied how such words are used by heterosexual men and women by examining 40 speed dates, using special computer programs to analyse the speakers' language.
The study found that speed dating couples were more likely to mutually wish to see each other again if their language style matched better. So if your date is speaking in a detached fashion, using "the", "it" and "that" often but you are throwing in plenty of "I" and "we", then chances are there is no point swapping numbers.
And while talking a lot may point to a good date, Ireland says their study showed it wasn't the strongest factor. According to Ireland it isn't an easy effect to fake — not only is it difficult to consciously pick up on function words but it is also tricky to deliberately manipulate them. Speed-dating also threw up some interesting observations for researchers at Stanford University who studied more than heterosexual dates to work out what makes people click.
The men varied their volume and laughed more; while women changed both their loudness and pitch. And while women preferred men who spoke loudly, sympathised with them and interrupted them, both men and women preferred it when the woman made herself the focus of the conversation. But perhaps it is best to avoid grilling your date. And bad news chaps — if you're looking for a lady it could be tough. Women were found to report clicking less frequently than men.